It was then I realized that I wanted it back.But I have to wait and use other computers. Computers that are not the same. Computers that run slowly. Computers that do not have my documents, my files, my writings, my poems, my pictures, my words, my self. How did this happen? Slowly, as most things seem to happen.
This has happened to my prayer self. Slowly, it has gone dark. It seems dead. One day all was running smoothly, the next, gone. I miss it. How long must I wait for what is broken to be repaired? I have had to use other ways of praying than what is familiar. Does this mean that God is stretching me? Inviting me to discover something that I need to know about myself? Does God want me to reexamine our relationship? To reset my priorities? Or am I to do without in order to appreciate what was?
As I have had to do without my friendly laptop, I realize that I am able to manage my affairs without it. I adjust. I realign. I find new ways to do what would have been done. In all my reading about creativity, this is what is needed to get the creative energies moving, flowing. There is the need to be jarred out of routinized behaviors. I can appreciate this as I learn to accommodate my lack of a reliable computer.
So, perhaps, this whole dark prayer thing is an invitation to some creative thinking, creative doing, creative ways of being in relationship with God. After all, as a spiritual formation guru, isn't that what drives my passion, my heart, my love of all things sacred? I thrive on that which shakes me out of my comfortable way of being and into places of growing, changing, transforming.
So, I guess, I can thank my laptop for going dark and offering me a bit of reflective thinking on the darkness of prayer.
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