My project is still in its crappy state. I worked on it yesterday, again, in the same crappy way as the previous day. I didn’t think it could get any worse, but it did. I had to stop and do something else because the heat in my face was about to burst into more four-letter expletives.
Upon reflection, I realized that I was actually learning something about myself. I already knew that I could spew “bad” words, so it wasn’t that. No, I learned something about the process of things and how I like that process to be.
I like the process to be predictable, not erratic. I like the process to be tidy, not sloppy. I began to feel like the process, messy as it was supposed to be, was a reflection on me, as though I couldn’t do erratic and sloppy the “right” way. The project wasn’t turning out the way that I thought crappy ought to turn out. The truth is that I didn’t know such crappiness could come from my hands.
The odd result that came of this was the realization that I wasn’t being myself. I was trying too hard (if you can imagine trying too hard to be sloppy). The trying-too-hard erratic sloppiness of my efforts showed me that there is another kind of sloppiness—a relaxed kind. When this occurred to me, I also remembered some things about this project that I had forgotten.
Suddenly, hope sparked anew. The process can be trusted. The final result will be worth the mess. Until then, it’s all crap.